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Wednesday, June 17, 2009 - 12:22 AM
unmotivated.
What was I doing for the past few days? nothing.

my brain seems to be in the shut-down mode or hibernating mode...it doesnt want to work and i feel so lazy to even use my brain...argh i hate this kind of feeling. the feeling of just wanting to slack and waste my youth and precious time away.

hmm i keep forgetting the jap words that i have just learnt and my progress for my jlpt 3 study was crawling super slowly like a tortoise. i wonder hw sha zhu have the wonder memory of running perhaps 100 gig per second to memorise so many new jap words and the ability to rmbr what his philo book wrote...

but well, at least i do rmbr to write a father's day card to my god-father. u see, my god-father and god-mother are actually my aunt and uncle. They took care of me when i was an infant because my parents didnt have the time to look after me. I remember i used to have short stays at their residence when i was young, during the holidays, and during that time they took care of me, brought me out to shop and eat and be a part of their family...hmm they often took me to church too..actually i didn't like to go to church at all and i didn't like the way they keep talking to me abt christianity, because i know that deep down inside me i dont believe in God.

well, i am a free thinker, to be exact, but my parents are buddhists, so naturally i believe more in buddhism than christianity, and i was hoping that my god-parents will at least respect my family's religion. So, religious faith turned out to be a one big gap between us, and over the years as i stopped visiting their home for short stays during the holz, we only get to meet each other like once or twice annually, like during CNY and christmas...and we dont talk alot, too. well, maybe i dont noe what to talk to them about...and my 2 cousins are not so amiable and they dont talk to me much too, basically they don't talk to me even if they see me, and thus i am always the one breaking the ice...so our relations are just so-so.

However, i am indeed grateful to them for their care and concern for me in the past, and I still show my gratitude to them during Father's Day and Mother's Day, even though our relations have estranged. Actually i can't believe that i stil call them "Daddy" and "Mummy" even though i cant feel any closeness to them anymore, let alone any fatherly or motherly love. Those words come out of my mouth with a tinge of uneasiness in me, whenever i call them, because i know that its some kind of a facade, and I can't help it, but yet i can't stop calling them that and suddenly changed to "uncle" and "auntie" cos i have been calling them "Daddy and Mummy" for as long as I can remember. THAT kind of feeling, is weird, yet helpless.

but, so far i can't think of a better solution than trying to improve our relations, thus for the past years when i only make a phone call to them to wish them a happy father's and mother's day, for this 2 years i have been sending them cards, within the cards i would write some messages showing my gratitude...hmm hopefully i can improve my relations with them and maybe they will change their attitude towards me too.( sometimes i feel that they are giving me a cold shoulder =( or am i too sensitive?) haha hmm all i hope for is that our relations wont go down the hill and become worse.

and i promise that when i have found a stable job with a stable income, i will treat them to dinner or lunch treats, as they had celebrated my bdays in the past, treating me like their own child.